i refuse to lose this battle.

School never fail to make me weak.

Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.

Not just because of school work. That's 30% of the reason. 20% is my high expectation.
I expect all As. Yes. That's how greedy i am.
i work my ass off.

I aim high, so my lowest grades i expect to recieve is B.
Anything lower. I think i suck.

Next. Ever since last year, i realised 50% of the reason why i hate school now is cos of the people.
They never fail to make me feel that school suck even more.

It's okay that i am eating lunch alone most of the time in school.

It's ok that i feel i'm an invisible ghost.

BUT TODAY,
I'm a rejected good.

2 years ago, and before, i felt wanted. needed. appreciated.

FRIENDS wanted me to join their group.

I could help. i could contribute.

Ever since i started my degree - I FELT STUPID.

I am weak in class. I have no background in art.

When it's time to find group-mates, NOBODY WANT ME.

I AM UNWANTED.

I hate this feeling.

I really do.

If you realised, i've been depressed ever since my degree started.

During my dip days, at most i'm depressed with BGR.
lol.

ever since secondary school, i'm never stressed with school.
I LOVE SCHOOL.

Even in NIE, i enjoyed myself very much during the last 2 years,
even when i am extremely stressed with my studies, i know it's self-induced.
I "love" that feeling. yes. i think i'm sick that way, being workoholic makes me feel good bout myself.

BUT NOW. NOTHING makes me feel good.

No matter how hard i work now, i feel it's never good enough, because i know my classmates WILL be better than me. Results show everything.

WORST of all, they DON'T want me.

Thanks for reminding me that i'm lousy.

But it's okay. I just can't wait to graduate, start afresh.

And i hope people in my work place appreciate me.

I even decorated my schedule to cheer myself up. OK.. Maybe you can't really see it from here.
but i coloured the borders, used colour markers to write.. and wrote encouraging phrases and verses around the borders etc..

I was telling Clara.. i feel i'm some depressive mental patient..
need to resort to such extent...

If you realise my previous art journal.. the last piece was about happiness.
My next two as well.


My last entry had given myself some goals and i shall follow it.

I'LL BE STRONGER!!!


I AM A SUPERWOMAN!