Getting better.

Sry, guess i'm tired last night, so i'm talking a bit crazy.

Hmm.. But i'm really getting better.
(I guess... It should be..)

Each time i go back to my old company,
They always say things like, "You look so much radiant today...
full of energy... very different..."

Err... i felt a pang of guilt when they say this..

When i worked there in the past, most of the nights,
i kept myself awake till late just to talk to him,
because he'll go home late after meeting all his clients...

After talking to him, cried myself to sleep by then would be about 3-4am.
Wake up 7am for work.

In the past, when i go to work,
manager will ask, "you cried last night?"

Damn.. very embarrassed.
I thought i'm wearing specs.. can hide.

I don't know how swollen my eyes got till it's unable to hide.

This continued for a long long time, until i left the job.

So yea.. how energetic can i get in the past?

But now things are different.

I really feel things are picking up,
regardless of how ugly i see the world now.

In the eyes of the children world, things are always beautiful.

Hence, i chose to be with them.
I feel safe.


My friend seemed to rush into a marriage after breaking up with her previous bf.
Why must get married so quickly?

Now i realised why.

She don't want to feel alone again.

She doesn't want to go through another failed relationship.


Subconsciously, i still carry a glimpse of hope, like a little girl, hoping to be with "The one".
(Who probably does not exist.)

Subconsciously, i still live in the dark shadows of the past, haunted by the nightmares of being in a relationship.
It's seems like a very horrible idea to be in one now.

Therefore, I kept telling my friends i want to get married to any rich guy because i don't want to go through any relationship anymore.

Colleen say want to get married also need to go dating.

Ha.. i almost feel like just marrying randomly.
Because i don't want to fall in love.
In the olden days, people also get married without knowing each other.
Life goes on.

And if you say why not stay single forever?

I really have to say, "Stop lying to yourself."

We are humans. It's human nature, we need social belonging.
Even animals need that.

So we just need to find a partner, get married.

As long as he provides for the family,
good enough. End of story.

That's life probably.

I just feel i'm in a mess of emotions.

It's really very difficult to describe to you how i feel.

Like anything happen, i will just not bother.
Like the phrase, "come what may."

quite numbed.
or speechless.

But now, just like all the dramas that we watched on TV,
who don't want to marry super handsome & rich guy plus very faithful?
HAHA. Only on TV.

So that's just like a fantasy to keep me going, and dream like a child.
At least try my best to stay positive.

Marriage is still on hold till I'm 27.

For now, what's most important is my career, family and friends.

I'm really getting better.
So no worries.

Much happier than before.
=)