Hmmmmmmmm...

Today.. I just met Anne..
Then we were talking about life..

I was saying that humans are so complicated.

The world is changing.
Getting darker and more evil.

I can't help but to see things differently from the past..

When I'm young, I used to think life is so exciting, with lots of things to look forward to.

When I grow older, things start to change.

Within my family, i learn about life.
How harsh life gets.

What's life?

What's family love?

What's responsibility?

Who's responsible?

Why responsible?

Who suffers?

Why suffer?


Then I grew older, start to have relationships, i learn about love.
How cruel a person can be.


I used to think being in a relationship, is all about rainbows and butterflies.


Now, it's just a losing game.

What's trust?

What's love?

First thing is the morning, when i open my eyes,
i'll receive a kiss on the forehead,
just to greet me.
If that's not love, then what izzit?


When i cry in the middle of the night, be it 3, 4 or 5am
because of some things @ home, i can run to him anytime.
If that's not love, then what izzit?

I made him go through hell just to get back with him.
He did whatever i told him to.
If that's not love, then what izzit?

Yet, love? caused so much harm to me.

I just don't understand life anymore.

Now, I don't care about love.
Because, sometimes, i feel that i don't know how to love anymore.
I don't know how to trust anymore.

I don't know if i'll change.

I really want to be more positive.
But how to?
When things are really so ugly.

All laid in front of me.

How to see it beautifully?

I know ppl are going to say some ppl have worst life than me.

I understand that.

But i'm not comparing.

I'm just saying that the world is ugly.

Just a simple statement.

My statement.

Nothing more.


Came back home..
Suddenly my friend is on another topic..
But this time, on looks.

She's trying so hard to convince me.. Haha..
But.. Hmmmmmmm..
I also don't know why i feel this way.

Friend:
hey jessica, i just read your blog entry abt u complaining abt ur hair and looks and all that...
as long as you feel beautiful, no one have the right to say that you are ugly. you have to feel comfortable and comfortable in your own skin, before others will feel and think the same.

I guess everybody's perception is different..

Friend:
but seriously, i tink you look cheerful and healthy and is a very very nice and sincere girl to everyone

Jess says:
i know character is most important.. but looks actually is important too
i used to be an ugly duckling in sec sch. nobody treat me as nice as now.

Friend:
can you stop calling urself ugly, even if it's in the past?

Jess says:
haha.. anyway, when i talk, i'm quite exaggerated
so.. u might think i am degrading myself.
but actually it's just a casual remark
i like to joke about my flaws
this shows that i'm seeing all these lightly.

Friend:
see things from the eye of children


Jess says:
children's life is so simple.
they have not encounter much because their world has not been polluted.
when they grow up. they will learn the harsh world.


Friend:
if i can, u can too

Jess says:
u know, because your life and mine is different, hence u see things very differently. therefore, we have different perception. I understand your point of view. however, things are just really different.



Maybe, if my life gets better,
i'll see things differently.

For now, it's still ugly.

Very ugly.

It's not your fault.
It's not mine.

It's nobody.

It's just how things work.

How MY world works.

Nobody go through exactly what i did,
so it's really very hard for you to feel how i feel.

Everybody is born with a different DNA.

Can't expect everybody to think or act the same.

I know my friend have been trying.

But it's just me.

Hmm.. i don't know what i'm talking.

Sound incoherent.

Nvm. Bye.