Self-portrait in abstract painting.

First series: Conscious (Left brain)

My first series is more conscious, with recognisable elements such as hands and the calendar.
As I was exploring the different materials, I think I might have thought too much into how I’m going to present myself in my art. Hence, it turned out to be not as abstract as it might be.

 

Second Series: Subconscious (Right brain)

My second series is subconscious. My repeated element that is similar to my first, probably might be the reaching out to the beyond, with all the twirling line movements. When I had to choose, which painting I dislike, I chose my last 2 pieces. I did not really understand why, only until I completed painting my third series, then I looked back and I realised why. When I was painting my last 2 pieces, it was in very fast circular movements, I felt as if my emotional outlet burst and I wanted to scream so I stopped painting. I guess that’s why Juneo said he can’t really see me in my art because I realised I probably didn’t want to get there, only until my third series.

Third series: Subconscious vs. Conscious (Left and Right brain)

In my third series, I knew I had to let myself out.

So I closed my eyes and started painting with pastel colours, it was only after I finished painting my third series, then I studied the sequence and I was surprised what my subconscious was doing. My first is soft and child-like.



For my second-piece, more colours and layers were added, I think it meant my growing up years, both seemed to be reaching out to something.


When I completed this painting, and studied it. I wanted to cry and when that happened, I realised yes, that painting is me.
Firstly, I closed my eyes and painted with this pink and purple tone, I think it represents me, then I painted with different colours using downward-strokes. Finally, I dripped red paint at the start of my strokes.
I think I am born naturally cheerful, but I went through so many extreme-ends in life, like my family goes from poor to rich, then rich to bankrupt, I changed as a person academically from last to top in class, from being cheerful to ever wanting to take my own life. All these are just some examples.


I think the strokes would represent all the cross-roads I’ve been.
I looked back at my sketchbook, I realised there’s a lot of childhood memories, calendars or clocks, it meant how time files, and sometimes I felt so much older than I actually am because of all the things that happened and shaped my life.
When I looked from afar, it actually looked like me with long hair. This painting represents my life-story.


I painted a female body. I think the spiral movement on the chest represent how I feel, at the same time it became the breast. Just like how I eventually painted the buttock. I think the body is a very powerful element, especially the female body, at least to what I feel. And the purple portion, seemed to be releasing this aura against the yellow portion, which felt like a wall or something that I had to break through.


It’s true that most of my painting looked filled up, I think it really meant how insecure I feel about my life. Like how a split-second can change your life. Just like this darkest of being unable to predict the future. Yet, you have this feeling something bad is going to happen. But there’s a light, which could represent my future, or in respect to my religion, which meant God’s light. As much as I’m bruised internally, I work very hard to be where I am today, and I’m really looking forward to a better future. When I looked back at my last 3 paintings. I realised subconsciously, without knowing, I’ve painted my past, present and future.